Lord of All

Last month I miscarried. It was awful. The pain, the weakness, the blood, the pain and the ongoing weakness. It was awful. But I have come to know my Savior as Adonai over the years and so there was this trust there for me. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t really like it, but I was willing to trust that His will is good. My favorite hymn kept playing in my brain: It is well with my soul. Whatever my lot thou has taught me to say it is well with my soul. Also, last year my Barnabus had a miscarriage in her family and so we had been talking about it and I was prompted to write some beauty from the ashes to her. To be thankful for the ability to be pregnant, to feel life growing inside of you, the awe of how that life is created and sustained and some more things. And so as I’m sitting around these thoughts are coming to mind as I was now dealing with it personally. People were so kind with there words and worried about my emotional state of mind but I was ok.

But! I was also severely aggravated. My husband drug me to the ER. I knew I was losing the baby, I was in my jammies and laying in bed suffering in comfort through the excruciating pain. But he was so worried about me and my mom being so far away was also influencing him and then we reached out to a nurse friend and she said you have to go to the ER. Well. Guess what. The ER was backed up and full of people with the flu hacking everywhere. They left me, a bleeding pregnant woman in the waiting room for hours. Then they pull me back and treat me disrespectfully and then the nurse said I don’t know why you are here, there’s nothing we can do. The doctor said you need to be rushed to a different ER. We get to the next ER and they ask why we are there, there’s nothing really to be done for a miscarriage. Then he finally realizes that they have an ultrasound and the 1^st ER did not. This ER did treat me better and much faster, but still they sent me home without doing anything really and without any real instructions.

Well, God is either Sovereign or He is not! I cannot believe He is Sovereign over the life of my baby and then not believe He is Sovereign over the medical field. This anger over the very high-priced trip to the ER to find out what I already knew and the pain I was in overshadowed my devastation over losing the baby, or babies as we were hoping for twins.

I now find myself at peace! God is indeed Sovereign. He is the Lover of my soul. He is the Giver of good gifts. He is El Shadai, Adonai! I am secure in the palm of His hand. Whatever my lot Lord, thou hast taught me to say, it is well with my soul.