Seeds I wish I could unplant...

We have a lot of anger in our house...I don't know about you, but it seems to come and with it lots of drama and temper tantrums and tears and finally apologies and hugs...

Jason's partying habit was very cyclical and it never stopped, well I guess it stopped during the 3 months he was in rehab, when our son was little...I had been told early on that divorce was not an option. I had begged and pleaded with the Lord and He said no. Marriage comes from God, but divorce comes from man. My pastor often says lots of people believe in God, but few people actually believe God. Lots of people believe that Jesus is the Son of God but few of us actually believe the promises in the Bible. I did believe that God was going to use this in our lives, I believed from the very beginning that God was building a testimony in our lives. But, just because I believed Him, does not mean that in my flesh that I liked His answer or that I knew how to forgive and walk through what I was being called to walk through. ...My grace is sufficient...

I wrestled hard with divorce for years, not because I really wanted it, but because with my human eyes, I could not see the end and quite frankly the chaos was overwhelming. I often isolated myself because I got tired of other peoples advice, which usually involved packing up the kids and leaving him. Well, since I was already struggling with this issue on my own, having other people bring it up was just another opportunity for the enemy to come in and throw me for a loop. Sometimes after conversatios with well-meaning individuals it would be weeks before my equilibrium was restored. It sent my mind on quite the crazy whirlwind of thoughts: how would we divide everything? would I allow him to visit the kids? could I demand supervised visits? how would we survive without him? would he support us? would he be vindictive and destroy the house? would he ever leave us alone? would the chaos stop with a divorce? or would it just be worse? would we be safe? or were we safer with him under the same roof sometimes and at least knowing the evil that we were dealing with? I am telling you, crazy whirlwind...someone asked me recently what's the best advice she could give her friend who's going through an awful time in her marriage: I said nothing, silence is golden. Be her friend and listen and offer support, watch the kids for a while, make her supper, but let the Lord do the advice and the convicting. Sometimes we mean well, but advice is tricky! and can oft do more harm than good.

Back to the anger...his behavior was cyclical, here's what I mean: he would be clean for a while, then he would go out for a very long night, then he'd be home a few days and then he'd disappear for a couple days, then he'd be home a few days, then he'd fall off a cliff. Knowing that I had been called to forgive him, the 1st offense was usually easy and forgiveness came quick, then the 2nd one would come and I'd be mad and lash out some and then forgive, by the 3rd offense I was irate, I would yell, use my dry humor and sarcasm to cut him to the quick, totally disrespect and belittle him. Then I would play the quiet game. Then I would seek his forgiveness and then offer mine. We lived in this cycle for 7 years. I never saw the trigger, never knew when he'd disappear, never made plans for us because I never knew when he'd disappear and just wouldn't show up or not answer the phone. I didn't like to be embarrassed so I stuck close to home...

I think that my youngest was able to come away unscathed...but my oldest was aware of the all the anger in our lives, he was witness to many a nasty fights. And eventhough God has delivered the hubby and life is totally different now, getting the anger out of our lives continues to be a challenge. I know for my son it is a learned behavior. I take full responsibility of my roll in teaching him that, I wish I could deny it...I pray regularly for God to burn that out of all of us. I thank God that the curse of generational bondage has been broken and stand firm on the promise that He will bless to the 1000th generation of them that love him.

A heart hanging on her Daddy's Word

We love our new church! It has been such a blessing in our lives. Today during worship was profound...first I stopped to pray out the worries in my heart, which brought on a time of weeping by another song, which was led to a huge smile and adoration with the next song...love, love, love what the power of music does in my heart. Rejoice! Again I say Rejoice.

This month, we don't know which day to use as a landmark, but this month we are celebrating my hubby being clean for a year. It has been a year since many years of prayers and fighting an unseen war over our marriage has been realized. Hubby has been heard many times this week rejoicing that he has been clean for a year and talking about how good God is and how awesome things are now compared to how they were. It has been a year since he walked out the door for work in the morning and didn't return for a few days a very broken man, head hung in shame, broke and without the necessary tools to go back to work...for a year, he walks out the door for work and comes home at the end of the day, or at least when he says he will return, for a year he calls me when something takes longer than expected, for a year he tells me when he spends money and what he spends it on, mind you not because I hold the purse strings, but because he is building a testimony of honesty and not hiding things from me any longer, no longer giving the devil a foothold in our marriage. Rejoice with me! It has been a year since my husband was rescued from a life that would've led to an ugly debilitating death and decay. It has been a year that my son has been able to lean on his daddy and begin to know that when daddy walks out that door, he will return through that door without a hollow haunted look.

But, also today, the day before my little brothers 33rd birthday, he enters the doors of a 1 year Christ based rehab home. After almost 20 years of struggling and staying in the cycle of sin, fun, high, shame, guilt, love, forgiveness, sin, fun, high, shame, guilt, love, forgiveness...my brother accepted Christ as Savior about  10 days ago: HALLELUJAH!!! God is so very good. But it was quickly followed by a plunge into deep darkness. By the grace of God, he walked away a few days ago and got sober and just arrived at a place where I pray the Lord will answer our prayers and show us all His MIRACLE working powers and set that captive free. I have prayed these verses over my husband and brother for years and I intend to continue to pray them for my Bub: Isaish 61:1-4

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

Please rejoice with me over a husband who walks in victory and pray with me for a brother who stands next in line.

Pretty Amazing

So, I had a rough week at the trailer park and I was aware and thought I was laying it at the Lords feet and thought I was doing a good job keeping my attitude and sights in check...but I think it carried over into this week and my son picked up on my bad attitude and it transformed into major temper tantrums through the week. Making it 2 really rough weeks in a row. We were doing homeschooling as a test run this year, because I wasn't sure if I could handle Elijah as a student and son...so today while talking to my dear friend, she asked if we had evaluated our lot yet, if maybe it was time to send him to school. And I don't want to quit and I don't want to give up yet...but boy do I wish it was easier. Elijah has always been strong-willed, independent, intelligent...these can all be very good qualities! And let's face it!!! He came by the strong-willed, independent trait quite honestly with a double wammy, from mommy and daddy :) But the temper tantrums that he's been throwing the last couple of months have me always at my wits end...of course, that can be a good place to be as long as I find God and rely on Him in that place and don't just run and hide from yet another battle. It feels really horrid to think of my child as a battle. You know the Bible says that we don't wrestle against flesh and blood...my son is not the enemy! But there is a very real enemy and he is sneaky and conniving, cunning and intelligent, and while not omniscient or that powerful, he is definitely able to use things to his advantage. And if he can't make me turn my back on God, he's definitely going to try to keep me so busy and worn out that I don't glorify God to my fullest potential. And yet God is still Sovereign and able! My favorite verse is to Be still and know that I am God, I WILL BE exalted...so, even in this season of reigning in and finding the right balance with my son, both for him but also for the daughter who in her very gentle and sweetness often gets the raw end of the deal because she is so much less demanding in her attitude and behavior.

My Elijah Alden is pretty amazing. He is very sensitive to his surroundings and notices nouances and changes in behavior and needs in others. He has great compassion for others. He is very smart. He is strong. He loves the Lord Jesus. I believe the Lord has great things in store for this young man in the making! I so desire to teach him to be obedient and to love the Lord our God above and beyond anything else this world has to offer, beyond fame, beyond achievement, beyond accolades, beyond his bride, beyond friendships, beyond careers, beyond family...I desire for this son of mine to walk in a purity and naiivity that his father and I did not get, I want him to know the Lord in such a powerful way that His voice would ring loud and clear and not dull and distant as in many of us, I want him to walk in purity and look at hearts as the Lord does and not on outward fleshly desires. So, I chose to set this year aside to spend with my son, my pretty amazing son. So I write this to bear witness to how amazing I know my son to be, that when I stumble and get frustrated with the very hot refining fire in our life right now, that I would remember and lay claim to how pretty amazing I think my son is.

Safe bubble busters

I find myself really missing my very, very quiet 2 acres today. Living in this camper has been a learning experience, and you know: it's really not that bad! I don't really love my stove/oven and lack of counter space...but living in a camper is quite doable. Living in a camp ground with folks from all walks of life: much, much harder than living in a camper!

A constant battle since moving in has been being bombarded by kids all the time. Back home it was easy to have quiet time and have the kids have quiet time, because there were no kids within walking distance. But here, there are kids everywhere! Some get kicked out at breakfast and don't go home until dusk, some have no real parental input and run hog wild, some have sailor mouths and demeanors to match...most seem to lack the love and nurture that come with a stable home life. And the influence on my kids is tremendous!

It is a constant battle here! I have to constantly balance how much time they spend with the kids, constantly be on guard, there is need for intervention of fighting and wrestling and other mischief: because lets face it, bored kids can be quite ingenuitive. Since it's a campground, there seems to be plenty of bottles and stuff laying around that the boys find, bring to the playground and then bust up against the rocks...

Like most moms, I don't want my kids to embarass me, I don't want them to mouth off at me and I don't want them to beat kids up, I don't want them to use foul words. But more than that, I want to teach my kids why I think it's important not to do those things, I want to teach them to be obedient and respect authority, so that when God grabs a hold of them He can focus on teaching them about faith, instead of having to start with obedience. I want my kids to love others and to shine their lights, so that people will notice Christs love in them and not to blend in with the crowd.

On Saturday night there was quite a wild party. The music was so loud and bass turned up so high that my camper was thumping. Hannah got sick that evening, so between the fever and the coughing and the thumping, we had quite an exciting evening. The kids kept waking up and I couldn't fall asleep...

We got 2 new neighbors on the same day, one on either side and both have dogs. Now my yard (if you can call it a yard), our little lot has lots of smelly, dirty land mines. I don't even have a dog, but I get to clean up poop and try to keep the kids out of it...and yes, I am too chicken to just go and talk to the neighbors and ask them to take their dogs elsewhere.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a complain session. I don't think of myself as being a complainer, but it does seem to be getting harder and harder to maintain my good attitude lately.

I am sure that there is a need for light here. I am sure that I can love on these kids. But man is it messy. Such a different life than I am used to. I often think of how often Jesus was interrupted in what he was doing and try to apply that to my life...that it's ok for my agenda to be interrupted or derailed completely. But as an introvert, I really struggle with the complete lack of quiet. Even the vehicles are loud, seems like 90% of the population drive huge trucks with loud exhausts :)

So, I find myself missing my quiet 2 acre haven. I don't miss living in East TN, I just miss having a refuge. But, God is our Refuge and so I am reminded that in His Sovereignty, this 'predicament' does not escape Him, and as my Provider and Shield, He will provide a way for me to rest. Am curious which of my flaws He is refining in this scenario :) There is a big part of me that wants to run and find a quieter camp ground, or see if there's some land we could rent where it would be quieter...then there's the other part that wants to be obedient and ask, what's next Abba. While running sounds easier and quieter, pretty sure that Jonah would say it's easier to be in His will than to run outside of it...(not just Jonah, there are many examples of runners in the Bible, but figure that most of us remember Jonah and the great big fish).