We have a lot of anger in our house...I don't know about you, but it seems to come and with it lots of drama and temper tantrums and tears and finally apologies and hugs...
Jason's partying habit was very cyclical and it never stopped, well I guess it stopped during the 3 months he was in rehab, when our son was little...I had been told early on that divorce was not an option. I had begged and pleaded with the Lord and He said no. Marriage comes from God, but divorce comes from man. My pastor often says lots of people believe in God, but few people actually believe God. Lots of people believe that Jesus is the Son of God but few of us actually believe the promises in the Bible. I did believe that God was going to use this in our lives, I believed from the very beginning that God was building a testimony in our lives. But, just because I believed Him, does not mean that in my flesh that I liked His answer or that I knew how to forgive and walk through what I was being called to walk through. ...My grace is sufficient...
I wrestled hard with divorce for years, not because I really wanted it, but because with my human eyes, I could not see the end and quite frankly the chaos was overwhelming. I often isolated myself because I got tired of other peoples advice, which usually involved packing up the kids and leaving him. Well, since I was already struggling with this issue on my own, having other people bring it up was just another opportunity for the enemy to come in and throw me for a loop. Sometimes after conversatios with well-meaning individuals it would be weeks before my equilibrium was restored. It sent my mind on quite the crazy whirlwind of thoughts: how would we divide everything? would I allow him to visit the kids? could I demand supervised visits? how would we survive without him? would he support us? would he be vindictive and destroy the house? would he ever leave us alone? would the chaos stop with a divorce? or would it just be worse? would we be safe? or were we safer with him under the same roof sometimes and at least knowing the evil that we were dealing with? I am telling you, crazy whirlwind...someone asked me recently what's the best advice she could give her friend who's going through an awful time in her marriage: I said nothing, silence is golden. Be her friend and listen and offer support, watch the kids for a while, make her supper, but let the Lord do the advice and the convicting. Sometimes we mean well, but advice is tricky! and can oft do more harm than good.
Back to the anger...his behavior was cyclical, here's what I mean: he would be clean for a while, then he would go out for a very long night, then he'd be home a few days and then he'd disappear for a couple days, then he'd be home a few days, then he'd fall off a cliff. Knowing that I had been called to forgive him, the 1st offense was usually easy and forgiveness came quick, then the 2nd one would come and I'd be mad and lash out some and then forgive, by the 3rd offense I was irate, I would yell, use my dry humor and sarcasm to cut him to the quick, totally disrespect and belittle him. Then I would play the quiet game. Then I would seek his forgiveness and then offer mine. We lived in this cycle for 7 years. I never saw the trigger, never knew when he'd disappear, never made plans for us because I never knew when he'd disappear and just wouldn't show up or not answer the phone. I didn't like to be embarrassed so I stuck close to home...
I think that my youngest was able to come away unscathed...but my oldest was aware of the all the anger in our lives, he was witness to many a nasty fights. And eventhough God has delivered the hubby and life is totally different now, getting the anger out of our lives continues to be a challenge. I know for my son it is a learned behavior. I take full responsibility of my roll in teaching him that, I wish I could deny it...I pray regularly for God to burn that out of all of us. I thank God that the curse of generational bondage has been broken and stand firm on the promise that He will bless to the 1000th generation of them that love him.
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