Battling Aimlessly

I have heard it said that women’s heads are like a giant plate of spaghetti and men’s brains are arranged in boxes. And while I am definitely on the logical, realistic, non-artsy side of things, I’m pretty sure that there’s a mess of sticky pasta upstairs. Everything is connected! I can’t think about anything lately without it looking like a giant domino display crashing down. While unpacking some overwhelming thoughts/emotions to my ‘sister’ this afternoon, some things started clicking into perspective. Funny how when you are knee deep it’s hard to see the roots. Perspective does indeed change things?

 

When I started on this homeschool adventure…that’s what it was. It was an adventure, just like our lives in a camper on the plains of ND. We wanted the freedom of escaping to TN during the winter and I had some behavior/character things I really wanted to work on with my son.

I think there are some homeschoolers that are die hard homeschoolers and were raised in homeschool and there has never been another plan, there’s not even another option. Their kids aren’t vaccinated, they won’t enter the mainstream…and you know what I think: I think that’s great! I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for you and your kiddos. I however, had never heard of homeschooling growing up, had never really given it much thought until the last couple of years and still there was this mystery surrounding it all. I have unwound a lot of the mystery for myself, but am just finding that in this season, in our camper, in our neighborhood, with my son, it is not working for us. And after unpacking layers of guilt, I am contemplating going to sign my son back up for school on Monday.

 

I think in our society, with this constant barrage of information, that it is easy to have lies implanted in your core. Even if you fight them, even if you love the Lord, there are lies in this world. I realized this week that even though I have always been one to love my quiet time (an introverts paradise, I guess) that I have allowed it to be stolen by busyness. Somehow the noise level in my life is out of control! Even in my prayer time, it has gotten so loud, that I have been unable to shut it up to hear from the One whose voice my soul longs for. My favorite verse has had no room in my life for the last month or so (Ps 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.")

 

In my desire to do something good for my child, different than the norm…am I doing him a disservice if I have lost myself and we find ourselves at constant odds? Am I still doing a good thing when our lives are filled with constant strife? Could it be with our very strong-willed, dominant personalities that maybe a little more space than our 29’ camper provides be a good thing and not a bad thing? Have I in fact, become the very parent I didn’t want to become? I believe I have mentioned before, that my son has some very amazing qualities! But, I am having a hard time seeing them lately. A night’s reprieve is never enough to face the next day full of challenges. By living in an overwhelmed state have I allowed this verse to pop up in our lives, without intending to do so?

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

 

I will spend the rest of the weekend prayerfully seeking my Father’s face. But, could the joy, lightness and quickening in my spirit, just from putting this thought out there, be the answer in itself? Sometimes I think we look too long and hard for answers, when they are staring us right in the face. Sometimes, we just think that simplicity couldn’t possibly be the answer.

I gotta say that I must get the guilt factor under control…but a 2 month break before a 3 month summer session in the camper (which will in fact be easier than the winter) might be just what the doctor ordered.

Not about me

I am beginning to sense a great Spiritual awakening. At first I thought it was just living here in the Bakken, because there is truly something different here…but the more I study and listen the more I think, God is trying to send His church a wake up call.

I have always strongly believed that God was going to use our marriage as a testimony, that the hubby and I would be leading in some capacity and helping others stay in their covenants. But that has such a ‘me’ feel. I am feeling more and more that it is really not about me at all and ALL ABOUT HIM. And He is calling us to rise up and be different. To look different than the world that we live in, to act different, to live differently. Don’t you think it’s time for the church to start looking different than the world. How can our divorce rates be as high as the world? How can teen rebellion be as high as the world? How can we look the same as the world, when we have the Power of the Holy Spirit at our side, living inside? Didn’t Jesus say that when He left, the Holy Spirit would come on us and we would do greater things than Him?

We have cherry picked several verses and made it so that they fit the American dream…I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with the American dream, unless of course, it contradicts what the Lord has called out for your life. He has good plans, plans to prosper you…Jer 29: 11, Rom8:28…now I’m not saying that He’s lying, merely that I think we get confused on what is good, and we rarely look at the verses surrounding the cherry picked ones. He knows what is ultimately best and ‘His’ looks different than ours. I don’t think He’s talking about riches, or the hottest husband, or kids that are robots, I think ultimately He’s talking about a fully surrendered life, because that is where we find contentment. Contentment bleeds out onto others and they demand to know what you have that they don’t…only the Holy Spirit can draw us to Him, but our lives should be lived in such a way that others want what we have. And let’s face it, money does not satisfy, unless God is filling that void, you will always be chasing something.

Back to my initial thoughts…I think it’s time for us to listen! He is calling us out, it’s not going to be comfortable, it may not even be pretty J we will probably be stretched in ways that we never dreamed of, but He is calling us to stand up and take a stand. I believe our country needs us! But, more than a bunch of people yelling about all the things we are against, we have got to be a praying people. But, we also have to be a reconciled people, we must humbly repent before our God and then be reconciled so that we can beg Him for mercy. We can keep saying that we are a Christian nation, or we can wake up and face reality…if we were a Christian nation, the enemy would not be holding our politicians, our children, our marriages, our friendships, our families, our business men hostage with his lies.

I’ll be the first to admit my prayer life has a long way to go…but now is the time! He is calling us up. It is time for us to gather together and throw off petty complaints and grudges, work together, love and encourage each other’s strengths, don’t belittle our weaknesses but let’s stand in the gap for each other. We are the body and there isn’t a member of the body that is not important, every part of the body is vital to accomplish His Good Works.

Here are a couple of passages that the Lord has been showing me while being led to prayer:

II Chron 7 13"If I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or if I command the locust to devour the land, or if I send pestilence among My people, 14and My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15"Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to the prayer offered in this place.…

Ezekiel3:12
"Therefore, son of man, say to your people, 'If someone who is righteous disobeys, that person's former righteousness will count for nothing. And if someone who is wicked repents, that person's former wickedness will not bring condemnation. The righteous person who sins will not be allowed to live even though they were formerly righteous.'

 

◄ Psalm 2 ►

New Living Translation 1Why are the nations so angry? Why do they waste their time with futile plans? 2The kings of the earth prepare for battle; the rulers plot together against the Lord and against his anointed one. 3“Let us break their chains,” they cry, “and free ourselves from slavery to God.” 4But the one who rules in heaven laughs. The Lord scoffs at them. 5Then in anger he rebukes them, terrifying them with his fierce fury. 6For the Lord declares, “I have placed my chosen king on the throne in Jerusalem,a on my holy mountain.”

 

7The king proclaims the Lord’s decree:

“The Lord said to me, ‘You are my son.^b

Today I have become your Father.^c

8Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance,

the whole earth as your possession.

9You will break^d them with an iron rod

and smash them like clay pots.’”

10Now then, you kings, act wisely!

Be warned, you rulers of the earth!

11Serve the Lord with reverent fear,

and rejoice with trembling.

12Submit to God’s royal son,^e or he will become angry,

and you will be destroyed in the midst of all your activities—

for his anger flares up in an instant.

But what joy for all who take refuge in him!

Out of the mouths of babes

We get in the car this morning and my son says: Why do we always listen to church music? I said: it’s not church music, it’s Christian music, they just play some of it at church. He said: I want to listen to country, like we do in pawpaw’s truck. I said: well you can listen to country when you are with pawpaw…

I made the switch years ago…for several reasons: country no longer sounds like country to me, it sounds a lot like pop; I don’t like the memories that are stirred from listening to older secular music and I love listening to scripture put to music.

The other day I was listening to the radio and a song came on and it took me right back to a Single’s retreat I went on in Daytona years ago. Yes, that specific! Isn’t it amazing how powerful music is? I can often be transported to another time, a time that satan can really use to bring on feelings of self-loathing and guilt. And that happens all over the place…they play secular music everywhere: the mall, restaurants, doctors offices…But this was a powerful transportation via Christian music. And it was oh so very cool! It is cool to have been a Christian so long now, that older music reminds me of parts of my Christian walk instead of just the dead me…

Have you ever noticed how many Christian songs come straight out of the Bible? Have you ever heard that it’s easier to memorize something to a tune? What a great and simple way to hide His Word in your heart!

I haven’t figured out yet how to have this kind of conversation with my 7 year old and tell him why I only listen to Christian music…but the time will come. Meanwhile, the arguments are few and far between and usually accompanied by missing his pawpaw…and there is nothing cooler than to hear my boy (and every now and then, my little girl) singing loudly and proudly to the lyrics on our ‘Christian’ radio. I know it must make God smile much bigger than me J

Fighting or Loving...

A subject that I have strong feelings about has been getting a lot of attention lately.

One of the 10 commandments, written in the Old Testament, and while still good ideals, the law was crushed by Jesus: Thou shall not murder. I am not writing to dispute whether I think abortion is morally wrong…I am very pro-life.

I feel so strongly about this statement I heard somewhere: ‘people don’t care what you say or do, they care how you made them feel’. If we, as Christians, are walking around calling these women murderers, do they find themselves welcome in our churches? In our lives? As our friends? Do they keep that secret so deeply buried in their soul that their bodies start rebelling against them? That they become physically ill?

Did Jesus not come to save the lost? Did He not save a wretch on the cross? Did He not save a wretch like me? Will He not save a woman who’s had an abortion?

There is a part of me that wonders if we shouldn’t spend way more time on our knees and way less time fighting causes. Last year I read an article about a Canadian woman who was doing some serious battle. But she was doing it silently, compassionately and respectfully. She was praying on the court house front steps and in front of various meetings. I don’t remember her name or most of the specifics…but what struck me was that she knew Whose battle it really was.

What would happen in our country if every Christian prayed 2 Chron 7:14 EVERY DAY? “if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land”. Now, how cool would that be?????

I am all for educating people and for ending abortion, but lets face it, it’s been around for centuries! I believe in an Almighty God, an Omniscient God, I believe in a God that says He numbered all my days at Creation. Therefore, I don’t think there is anything happening that He’s not aware of. I also believe that He is the Author of any and all life. So, I think those babies are dancing with Jesus and that their purpose was fulfilled in the lessons that their parents would learn, sooner or later.

I am not sure how or why, but I know of at least 3 abortions in my circles…and I know that most if not all women live to regret their decision and that they live with such utter darkness inside of them. Feelings of utter despair, an all-consuming fear that there is no redemption or forgiveness for them.

But this Jesus, my Adonai, the Savior and Lover of my soul, He is bigger, ever so much bigger than this grave sin. And I don’t believe that He scores our sin. Any and all sin separates us from the love of Christ. As a matter of fact, in Proverbs where He lists the sins that He hates, discord/discension is an abomination to Him. Don’t these causes that we choose to fight so loudly often lead to discord? Prov 6:16-19

Women we must start to love one another! And we must do this boldly, no holds barred, unequivocally, unconditionally, with total abandon, absolute patience and kindness and no record of wrongs. Let’s love each other into the arms of the One who set us free! I don’t know about you, but there aren’t many days that I don’t reflect on the season where Adonai set me free, took my migraines, met me in the lobby and took my bags and threw them to the netherreaches and taught me to walk by grace. Don’t you want everyone you meet to have that light, I can fly, feeling?

I have this desire for women to know their identity in Christ, deeply, to the depths of their very core, so that our actions and reactions flood the light of Christ. Because when we know Whose we are, and who we are, then our actions begin to change and our demeanors begin to soften…

While I have a tender spot in my heart for the women who struggle with this. I have these feelings about leaving our opinions at the feet of Jesus with all the other hot topics: welfare, homosexuality, addiction, politics…the list is really quite endless. God says in Romans that all authority is in place by His permission…there really is nothing new under the sun, we must stop harping and begin loving and praying!

TN recap

We had a wonderful time in TN. It was a great time to catch up with some friends and family. The weather was cold and there was plenty of snow. I painted my parents house. We went sledding, the boys built a huge fort, the girls drove each other nuts. Mom and I had several girls days, one that included a spa. Lots and lots of fun and activity. But, the one word that comes to mind though is: long. And people always say that’s because you were staying with family. NO!!!  I love my family, that part was wonderful and if we could dine and visit every night forever, that would be fabulous, however…It was a long time to be away from home, from my man, from our church…I think all along I thought we would be returning to TN at the end of our ND adventure, but God has moved my heart, not that I really watned to go back to TN, just that I didn’t think that He was going to sever that tie (but if there was a way to bring our home and acreage and stream up here…).  I found out that I could not maintain dual-citizenship. It was wonderful to visit our church, but that’s what it was, it was a visit. It was nice to see my Bible study mommas. It was nice to have some get togethers. But, it was not home. I had no burning need to go to any of those activities. And I say that without any malice whatsoever! I am simply content and happy and oh so glad to be back here in my camper J

I had a really hard time keeping up with a set quiet time while there. But I have found myself over the last month or so thanking God profusely that He’s allowed me to hide so much of His Word in my heart, so that even when I couldn’t spend hours with Him, I could still be reminded of scriptures and have prayer time. So grateful for all He’s poured into me over the years.

I have no idea where we are going or what’s around the bend…but I’ve this burning desire to do something. I am tired of just attending church and going to Bible studies, I need to get back in the trenches. I thought that we were coming up here for a season of healing, and I think we did, it just seems to be over…it’s time to get her done. I think also that often healing comes better when your hand is outstretched to another (2 Cor 1:3-4).

I’ve got 3 passions, that come after my husband and kids of course: that women would know and understand the sanctity of marriage; that women would know their identities in Christ and walk boldly in their inheritance; and eventually to run a ranch for foster kids. The 3^rd is not on the immediate agenda, since we live in a camper…but the other 2 are being given much thought and energy.

Reclaiming Christmas

I have always loved Christmas! And for the sake of this blog I am going to pretend that the beginning of my love started after my teen years so that we can just skim over the fact that I was a horrible teenager and was unpleasable just for the sake of being a butt…

But even as an adult I have found myself let down on Christmas morning and after years of trying to put it into words I’m going to give it a go, but also have total sympathy for the kids and their attitudes on Christmas morning after having connected some dots in my own head. Although I must say, I have some amazing kiddos and they are grateful. They may have suffered some of the same let downs and attitudes but over the last few days, there have been tons of love you’s and random thank you’s as they dive deeper into their gifts.

2 big winners at our house: I got mom something beautiful and personalized. I gave it to her before Christmas because to me Christmas morning is for the kids and I wanted this to be special…she loved it and she cried. My niece also gave a special gift to her little brother and he (a 9 year old) has been treating it like fine china, it was very personal and special to him.

The stores are in it for the money and so they push the advertising and marketing and we have bought into the whole more is better, instead of it’s the thought that counts. I know that I only buy the kids stuff for their birthdays and Christmas and so I probably go overboard. Probably they should get a new toy or something in between times and not just all crammed together…I will continue to ponder this.

But there is such joy in spending time and giving a gift that is only for that person. I started by saying that I love Christmas…what I love is spending the special time with my family. Even when we lived here we would stay at my parents house over the holidays (even though we live 15 minutes away) and it’s because I think that’s when all the awesome visiting happens and the really great memories are created. I love the decorations, but not so overboard that it totally stresses out the season. And to me the season is about family. We celebrate the birth of our Lord at this time and that is always part of the celebration, but the visiting and the conversations that stem from that are where it’s at for me. And time spent in the kitchen taking time to make special treats…what I don’t like is this feeling that I have to buy something for everyone that I come in contact with. When did it become law that gifts should be left in your mailbox and a tip given to delivery folks? When did it become something just about getting?

While gifts is not my love language…I do love to give gifts. But only when I find something that truly is designed for someone that I love. I don’t like to just spend money just to spend money. My love language is quality time, so when I receive a gift that is truly personalized I treasure it deep in my heart, because it means that the giver took the time to know me. And I think most of us want to be known. We don’t want to be cookie cutters…

I think in the commercializing and overspending of Christmas that we have lost the meaning of gift giving. It should be a joy to give something special to someone special and to receive something special from someone special. But we have created insatiable monsters that wake up on Christmas morning to devour as many gifts as possible. I want to focus more on giving something that makes the heart soar with love and gratitude.

It’s not really about the money, because there are so many deals to be had, it’s about the amount of gifts and the focus of the gifts. I want to get back to personalized gifts and this year we made a good start, and I plan to build on it over the coming year and do much better next year and the years to come…

Ponderings of the season...

You know...this is the time of year where you start seeing all the bandwagons come out loud and clear. Believe me, I hear ya. I can easily jump on bandwagons that have loud, clear messages about something that is in the Bible. The problem is that I don't think people really want to hear about our bandwagons any more, people want to see lives that look different than everybody else's, lives that shine with the glory of Christ. Over the last year or 2, God has really been teaching me a lot about His Sovereignty and the power of the Holy Spirit to convict another's heart in a way that my stupid, opionionated, cutting words could ever do...and believe me, it's been a long road and one I've definitely not mastered. I had a problem around Halloween, I've never really been a hollaween fan and it predates being born again...just not my favorite holiday and this year it stretched from the last week of September all the way through October and I found myself venting to a friend, who lovingly reminded me that's it not about our stance or hatred of something, but our desire to love others into the family of Christ. I still don't love halloween, but I did receive a major attitude check.

I am going to insert my favorite scripture here: Be Still (Cease fighting) and know that I am God, I WILL BE EXALTED!

Christians often start ranting about how it's CHRISTmas not Xmas. In the ancient texts x was the symbol used for Christ. So I almost always write Xmas and in my Bible while taking notes and studying scripture, all references to Christ have an x. I am not x'ing Him out of my Bible, merely clarifying which of the Trinity is being talked about. We humans cannot take Christ out of Christmas, Jesus knows when He came to earth and He promises that He will be exalted. It is for His glory that we are all striving.

People have already started talking about Happy Holiday vs. Merry Christmas. I love the Lord with all my heart, except for on days when I didn't die to self first, but sometimes Happy Holidays is appropriate, there is more than 1 holiday being celebrated this time of year, after all. I know that we are fighting a very real war out there, and that there may be a time very soon when the Christian church really will be persecuted in our nation. However, I don't think that standing and yelling on top of every band wagon is going to bring others to the Risen Savior. But meekly loving others, being kind and generous, and falling to our knees for our country may loosen the flaps on the box where we've stored the Holy Spirit and reignite His fire and set Him loose across this nation.

We haven't talked much about Santa in our house. We just haven't made a big deal about it...we've never had pictures taken with Santa, although Elijah did once at school. We don't make cookies...there are presents (hard to wrap ones) that get left out on Christmas Eve and maybe the kids assume they come from Santa. We just don't talk about it. We don't even put from names on the packages...it's more about giving the gifts than it is taking credit for who gave the best gifts. We spend time talking about giving to others. We sponsor a family and give them gifts. We bake together and take goodies to our neighbors. And we have a huge birthday party, complete with a cake for Christ to help remind the kids why we celebrate Christmas.