Battling Aimlessly

I have heard it said that women’s heads are like a giant plate of spaghetti and men’s brains are arranged in boxes. And while I am definitely on the logical, realistic, non-artsy side of things, I’m pretty sure that there’s a mess of sticky pasta upstairs. Everything is connected! I can’t think about anything lately without it looking like a giant domino display crashing down. While unpacking some overwhelming thoughts/emotions to my ‘sister’ this afternoon, some things started clicking into perspective. Funny how when you are knee deep it’s hard to see the roots. Perspective does indeed change things?

 

When I started on this homeschool adventure…that’s what it was. It was an adventure, just like our lives in a camper on the plains of ND. We wanted the freedom of escaping to TN during the winter and I had some behavior/character things I really wanted to work on with my son.

I think there are some homeschoolers that are die hard homeschoolers and were raised in homeschool and there has never been another plan, there’s not even another option. Their kids aren’t vaccinated, they won’t enter the mainstream…and you know what I think: I think that’s great! I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for you and your kiddos. I however, had never heard of homeschooling growing up, had never really given it much thought until the last couple of years and still there was this mystery surrounding it all. I have unwound a lot of the mystery for myself, but am just finding that in this season, in our camper, in our neighborhood, with my son, it is not working for us. And after unpacking layers of guilt, I am contemplating going to sign my son back up for school on Monday.

 

I think in our society, with this constant barrage of information, that it is easy to have lies implanted in your core. Even if you fight them, even if you love the Lord, there are lies in this world. I realized this week that even though I have always been one to love my quiet time (an introverts paradise, I guess) that I have allowed it to be stolen by busyness. Somehow the noise level in my life is out of control! Even in my prayer time, it has gotten so loud, that I have been unable to shut it up to hear from the One whose voice my soul longs for. My favorite verse has had no room in my life for the last month or so (Ps 46:10 "Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.")

 

In my desire to do something good for my child, different than the norm…am I doing him a disservice if I have lost myself and we find ourselves at constant odds? Am I still doing a good thing when our lives are filled with constant strife? Could it be with our very strong-willed, dominant personalities that maybe a little more space than our 29’ camper provides be a good thing and not a bad thing? Have I in fact, become the very parent I didn’t want to become? I believe I have mentioned before, that my son has some very amazing qualities! But, I am having a hard time seeing them lately. A night’s reprieve is never enough to face the next day full of challenges. By living in an overwhelmed state have I allowed this verse to pop up in our lives, without intending to do so?

Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

 

I will spend the rest of the weekend prayerfully seeking my Father’s face. But, could the joy, lightness and quickening in my spirit, just from putting this thought out there, be the answer in itself? Sometimes I think we look too long and hard for answers, when they are staring us right in the face. Sometimes, we just think that simplicity couldn’t possibly be the answer.

I gotta say that I must get the guilt factor under control…but a 2 month break before a 3 month summer session in the camper (which will in fact be easier than the winter) might be just what the doctor ordered.