Out of the mouths of babes

We get in the car this morning and my son says: Why do we always listen to church music? I said: it’s not church music, it’s Christian music, they just play some of it at church. He said: I want to listen to country, like we do in pawpaw’s truck. I said: well you can listen to country when you are with pawpaw…

I made the switch years ago…for several reasons: country no longer sounds like country to me, it sounds a lot like pop; I don’t like the memories that are stirred from listening to older secular music and I love listening to scripture put to music.

The other day I was listening to the radio and a song came on and it took me right back to a Single’s retreat I went on in Daytona years ago. Yes, that specific! Isn’t it amazing how powerful music is? I can often be transported to another time, a time that satan can really use to bring on feelings of self-loathing and guilt. And that happens all over the place…they play secular music everywhere: the mall, restaurants, doctors offices…But this was a powerful transportation via Christian music. And it was oh so very cool! It is cool to have been a Christian so long now, that older music reminds me of parts of my Christian walk instead of just the dead me…

Have you ever noticed how many Christian songs come straight out of the Bible? Have you ever heard that it’s easier to memorize something to a tune? What a great and simple way to hide His Word in your heart!

I haven’t figured out yet how to have this kind of conversation with my 7 year old and tell him why I only listen to Christian music…but the time will come. Meanwhile, the arguments are few and far between and usually accompanied by missing his pawpaw…and there is nothing cooler than to hear my boy (and every now and then, my little girl) singing loudly and proudly to the lyrics on our ‘Christian’ radio. I know it must make God smile much bigger than me J

Fighting or Loving...

A subject that I have strong feelings about has been getting a lot of attention lately.

One of the 10 commandments, written in the Old Testament, and while still good ideals, the law was crushed by Jesus: Thou shall not murder. I am not writing to dispute whether I think abortion is morally wrong…I am very pro-life.

I feel so strongly about this statement I heard somewhere: ‘people don’t care what you say or do, they care how you made them feel’. If we, as Christians, are walking around calling these women murderers, do they find themselves welcome in our churches? In our lives? As our friends? Do they keep that secret so deeply buried in their soul that their bodies start rebelling against them? That they become physically ill?

Did Jesus not come to save the lost? Did He not save a wretch on the cross? Did He not save a wretch like me? Will He not save a woman who’s had an abortion?

There is a part of me that wonders if we shouldn’t spend way more time on our knees and way less time fighting causes. Last year I read an article about a Canadian woman who was doing some serious battle. But she was doing it silently, compassionately and respectfully. She was praying on the court house front steps and in front of various meetings. I don’t remember her name or most of the specifics…but what struck me was that she knew Whose battle it really was.

What would happen in our country if every Christian prayed 2 Chron 7:14 EVERY DAY? “if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land”. Now, how cool would that be?????

I am all for educating people and for ending abortion, but lets face it, it’s been around for centuries! I believe in an Almighty God, an Omniscient God, I believe in a God that says He numbered all my days at Creation. Therefore, I don’t think there is anything happening that He’s not aware of. I also believe that He is the Author of any and all life. So, I think those babies are dancing with Jesus and that their purpose was fulfilled in the lessons that their parents would learn, sooner or later.

I am not sure how or why, but I know of at least 3 abortions in my circles…and I know that most if not all women live to regret their decision and that they live with such utter darkness inside of them. Feelings of utter despair, an all-consuming fear that there is no redemption or forgiveness for them.

But this Jesus, my Adonai, the Savior and Lover of my soul, He is bigger, ever so much bigger than this grave sin. And I don’t believe that He scores our sin. Any and all sin separates us from the love of Christ. As a matter of fact, in Proverbs where He lists the sins that He hates, discord/discension is an abomination to Him. Don’t these causes that we choose to fight so loudly often lead to discord? Prov 6:16-19

Women we must start to love one another! And we must do this boldly, no holds barred, unequivocally, unconditionally, with total abandon, absolute patience and kindness and no record of wrongs. Let’s love each other into the arms of the One who set us free! I don’t know about you, but there aren’t many days that I don’t reflect on the season where Adonai set me free, took my migraines, met me in the lobby and took my bags and threw them to the netherreaches and taught me to walk by grace. Don’t you want everyone you meet to have that light, I can fly, feeling?

I have this desire for women to know their identity in Christ, deeply, to the depths of their very core, so that our actions and reactions flood the light of Christ. Because when we know Whose we are, and who we are, then our actions begin to change and our demeanors begin to soften…

While I have a tender spot in my heart for the women who struggle with this. I have these feelings about leaving our opinions at the feet of Jesus with all the other hot topics: welfare, homosexuality, addiction, politics…the list is really quite endless. God says in Romans that all authority is in place by His permission…there really is nothing new under the sun, we must stop harping and begin loving and praying!

TN recap

We had a wonderful time in TN. It was a great time to catch up with some friends and family. The weather was cold and there was plenty of snow. I painted my parents house. We went sledding, the boys built a huge fort, the girls drove each other nuts. Mom and I had several girls days, one that included a spa. Lots and lots of fun and activity. But, the one word that comes to mind though is: long. And people always say that’s because you were staying with family. NO!!!  I love my family, that part was wonderful and if we could dine and visit every night forever, that would be fabulous, however…It was a long time to be away from home, from my man, from our church…I think all along I thought we would be returning to TN at the end of our ND adventure, but God has moved my heart, not that I really watned to go back to TN, just that I didn’t think that He was going to sever that tie (but if there was a way to bring our home and acreage and stream up here…).  I found out that I could not maintain dual-citizenship. It was wonderful to visit our church, but that’s what it was, it was a visit. It was nice to see my Bible study mommas. It was nice to have some get togethers. But, it was not home. I had no burning need to go to any of those activities. And I say that without any malice whatsoever! I am simply content and happy and oh so glad to be back here in my camper J

I had a really hard time keeping up with a set quiet time while there. But I have found myself over the last month or so thanking God profusely that He’s allowed me to hide so much of His Word in my heart, so that even when I couldn’t spend hours with Him, I could still be reminded of scriptures and have prayer time. So grateful for all He’s poured into me over the years.

I have no idea where we are going or what’s around the bend…but I’ve this burning desire to do something. I am tired of just attending church and going to Bible studies, I need to get back in the trenches. I thought that we were coming up here for a season of healing, and I think we did, it just seems to be over…it’s time to get her done. I think also that often healing comes better when your hand is outstretched to another (2 Cor 1:3-4).

I’ve got 3 passions, that come after my husband and kids of course: that women would know and understand the sanctity of marriage; that women would know their identities in Christ and walk boldly in their inheritance; and eventually to run a ranch for foster kids. The 3^rd is not on the immediate agenda, since we live in a camper…but the other 2 are being given much thought and energy.

Reclaiming Christmas

I have always loved Christmas! And for the sake of this blog I am going to pretend that the beginning of my love started after my teen years so that we can just skim over the fact that I was a horrible teenager and was unpleasable just for the sake of being a butt…

But even as an adult I have found myself let down on Christmas morning and after years of trying to put it into words I’m going to give it a go, but also have total sympathy for the kids and their attitudes on Christmas morning after having connected some dots in my own head. Although I must say, I have some amazing kiddos and they are grateful. They may have suffered some of the same let downs and attitudes but over the last few days, there have been tons of love you’s and random thank you’s as they dive deeper into their gifts.

2 big winners at our house: I got mom something beautiful and personalized. I gave it to her before Christmas because to me Christmas morning is for the kids and I wanted this to be special…she loved it and she cried. My niece also gave a special gift to her little brother and he (a 9 year old) has been treating it like fine china, it was very personal and special to him.

The stores are in it for the money and so they push the advertising and marketing and we have bought into the whole more is better, instead of it’s the thought that counts. I know that I only buy the kids stuff for their birthdays and Christmas and so I probably go overboard. Probably they should get a new toy or something in between times and not just all crammed together…I will continue to ponder this.

But there is such joy in spending time and giving a gift that is only for that person. I started by saying that I love Christmas…what I love is spending the special time with my family. Even when we lived here we would stay at my parents house over the holidays (even though we live 15 minutes away) and it’s because I think that’s when all the awesome visiting happens and the really great memories are created. I love the decorations, but not so overboard that it totally stresses out the season. And to me the season is about family. We celebrate the birth of our Lord at this time and that is always part of the celebration, but the visiting and the conversations that stem from that are where it’s at for me. And time spent in the kitchen taking time to make special treats…what I don’t like is this feeling that I have to buy something for everyone that I come in contact with. When did it become law that gifts should be left in your mailbox and a tip given to delivery folks? When did it become something just about getting?

While gifts is not my love language…I do love to give gifts. But only when I find something that truly is designed for someone that I love. I don’t like to just spend money just to spend money. My love language is quality time, so when I receive a gift that is truly personalized I treasure it deep in my heart, because it means that the giver took the time to know me. And I think most of us want to be known. We don’t want to be cookie cutters…

I think in the commercializing and overspending of Christmas that we have lost the meaning of gift giving. It should be a joy to give something special to someone special and to receive something special from someone special. But we have created insatiable monsters that wake up on Christmas morning to devour as many gifts as possible. I want to focus more on giving something that makes the heart soar with love and gratitude.

It’s not really about the money, because there are so many deals to be had, it’s about the amount of gifts and the focus of the gifts. I want to get back to personalized gifts and this year we made a good start, and I plan to build on it over the coming year and do much better next year and the years to come…

Ponderings of the season...

You know...this is the time of year where you start seeing all the bandwagons come out loud and clear. Believe me, I hear ya. I can easily jump on bandwagons that have loud, clear messages about something that is in the Bible. The problem is that I don't think people really want to hear about our bandwagons any more, people want to see lives that look different than everybody else's, lives that shine with the glory of Christ. Over the last year or 2, God has really been teaching me a lot about His Sovereignty and the power of the Holy Spirit to convict another's heart in a way that my stupid, opionionated, cutting words could ever do...and believe me, it's been a long road and one I've definitely not mastered. I had a problem around Halloween, I've never really been a hollaween fan and it predates being born again...just not my favorite holiday and this year it stretched from the last week of September all the way through October and I found myself venting to a friend, who lovingly reminded me that's it not about our stance or hatred of something, but our desire to love others into the family of Christ. I still don't love halloween, but I did receive a major attitude check.

I am going to insert my favorite scripture here: Be Still (Cease fighting) and know that I am God, I WILL BE EXALTED!

Christians often start ranting about how it's CHRISTmas not Xmas. In the ancient texts x was the symbol used for Christ. So I almost always write Xmas and in my Bible while taking notes and studying scripture, all references to Christ have an x. I am not x'ing Him out of my Bible, merely clarifying which of the Trinity is being talked about. We humans cannot take Christ out of Christmas, Jesus knows when He came to earth and He promises that He will be exalted. It is for His glory that we are all striving.

People have already started talking about Happy Holiday vs. Merry Christmas. I love the Lord with all my heart, except for on days when I didn't die to self first, but sometimes Happy Holidays is appropriate, there is more than 1 holiday being celebrated this time of year, after all. I know that we are fighting a very real war out there, and that there may be a time very soon when the Christian church really will be persecuted in our nation. However, I don't think that standing and yelling on top of every band wagon is going to bring others to the Risen Savior. But meekly loving others, being kind and generous, and falling to our knees for our country may loosen the flaps on the box where we've stored the Holy Spirit and reignite His fire and set Him loose across this nation.

We haven't talked much about Santa in our house. We just haven't made a big deal about it...we've never had pictures taken with Santa, although Elijah did once at school. We don't make cookies...there are presents (hard to wrap ones) that get left out on Christmas Eve and maybe the kids assume they come from Santa. We just don't talk about it. We don't even put from names on the packages...it's more about giving the gifts than it is taking credit for who gave the best gifts. We spend time talking about giving to others. We sponsor a family and give them gifts. We bake together and take goodies to our neighbors. And we have a huge birthday party, complete with a cake for Christ to help remind the kids why we celebrate Christmas.

Seeds I wish I could unplant...

We have a lot of anger in our house...I don't know about you, but it seems to come and with it lots of drama and temper tantrums and tears and finally apologies and hugs...

Jason's partying habit was very cyclical and it never stopped, well I guess it stopped during the 3 months he was in rehab, when our son was little...I had been told early on that divorce was not an option. I had begged and pleaded with the Lord and He said no. Marriage comes from God, but divorce comes from man. My pastor often says lots of people believe in God, but few people actually believe God. Lots of people believe that Jesus is the Son of God but few of us actually believe the promises in the Bible. I did believe that God was going to use this in our lives, I believed from the very beginning that God was building a testimony in our lives. But, just because I believed Him, does not mean that in my flesh that I liked His answer or that I knew how to forgive and walk through what I was being called to walk through. ...My grace is sufficient...

I wrestled hard with divorce for years, not because I really wanted it, but because with my human eyes, I could not see the end and quite frankly the chaos was overwhelming. I often isolated myself because I got tired of other peoples advice, which usually involved packing up the kids and leaving him. Well, since I was already struggling with this issue on my own, having other people bring it up was just another opportunity for the enemy to come in and throw me for a loop. Sometimes after conversatios with well-meaning individuals it would be weeks before my equilibrium was restored. It sent my mind on quite the crazy whirlwind of thoughts: how would we divide everything? would I allow him to visit the kids? could I demand supervised visits? how would we survive without him? would he support us? would he be vindictive and destroy the house? would he ever leave us alone? would the chaos stop with a divorce? or would it just be worse? would we be safe? or were we safer with him under the same roof sometimes and at least knowing the evil that we were dealing with? I am telling you, crazy whirlwind...someone asked me recently what's the best advice she could give her friend who's going through an awful time in her marriage: I said nothing, silence is golden. Be her friend and listen and offer support, watch the kids for a while, make her supper, but let the Lord do the advice and the convicting. Sometimes we mean well, but advice is tricky! and can oft do more harm than good.

Back to the anger...his behavior was cyclical, here's what I mean: he would be clean for a while, then he would go out for a very long night, then he'd be home a few days and then he'd disappear for a couple days, then he'd be home a few days, then he'd fall off a cliff. Knowing that I had been called to forgive him, the 1st offense was usually easy and forgiveness came quick, then the 2nd one would come and I'd be mad and lash out some and then forgive, by the 3rd offense I was irate, I would yell, use my dry humor and sarcasm to cut him to the quick, totally disrespect and belittle him. Then I would play the quiet game. Then I would seek his forgiveness and then offer mine. We lived in this cycle for 7 years. I never saw the trigger, never knew when he'd disappear, never made plans for us because I never knew when he'd disappear and just wouldn't show up or not answer the phone. I didn't like to be embarrassed so I stuck close to home...

I think that my youngest was able to come away unscathed...but my oldest was aware of the all the anger in our lives, he was witness to many a nasty fights. And eventhough God has delivered the hubby and life is totally different now, getting the anger out of our lives continues to be a challenge. I know for my son it is a learned behavior. I take full responsibility of my roll in teaching him that, I wish I could deny it...I pray regularly for God to burn that out of all of us. I thank God that the curse of generational bondage has been broken and stand firm on the promise that He will bless to the 1000th generation of them that love him.

A heart hanging on her Daddy's Word

We love our new church! It has been such a blessing in our lives. Today during worship was profound...first I stopped to pray out the worries in my heart, which brought on a time of weeping by another song, which was led to a huge smile and adoration with the next song...love, love, love what the power of music does in my heart. Rejoice! Again I say Rejoice.

This month, we don't know which day to use as a landmark, but this month we are celebrating my hubby being clean for a year. It has been a year since many years of prayers and fighting an unseen war over our marriage has been realized. Hubby has been heard many times this week rejoicing that he has been clean for a year and talking about how good God is and how awesome things are now compared to how they were. It has been a year since he walked out the door for work in the morning and didn't return for a few days a very broken man, head hung in shame, broke and without the necessary tools to go back to work...for a year, he walks out the door for work and comes home at the end of the day, or at least when he says he will return, for a year he calls me when something takes longer than expected, for a year he tells me when he spends money and what he spends it on, mind you not because I hold the purse strings, but because he is building a testimony of honesty and not hiding things from me any longer, no longer giving the devil a foothold in our marriage. Rejoice with me! It has been a year since my husband was rescued from a life that would've led to an ugly debilitating death and decay. It has been a year that my son has been able to lean on his daddy and begin to know that when daddy walks out that door, he will return through that door without a hollow haunted look.

But, also today, the day before my little brothers 33rd birthday, he enters the doors of a 1 year Christ based rehab home. After almost 20 years of struggling and staying in the cycle of sin, fun, high, shame, guilt, love, forgiveness, sin, fun, high, shame, guilt, love, forgiveness...my brother accepted Christ as Savior about  10 days ago: HALLELUJAH!!! God is so very good. But it was quickly followed by a plunge into deep darkness. By the grace of God, he walked away a few days ago and got sober and just arrived at a place where I pray the Lord will answer our prayers and show us all His MIRACLE working powers and set that captive free. I have prayed these verses over my husband and brother for years and I intend to continue to pray them for my Bub: Isaish 61:1-4

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

Please rejoice with me over a husband who walks in victory and pray with me for a brother who stands next in line.